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via icanread

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when you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. it is an impossibility. it is even a lie to pretend to. and yet this is exactly what most of us demand. we have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. we leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. we are afraid it will never return. we insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity – in freedom…

EXCERPTED FROM “THE GIFT FROM THE SEA” BY ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH

via flummoxedbird

Been a while...

It's been a while since I've written anything... I guess it's because I started editing my thoughts everytime I let them spill to a page. I wanted to be able to write and be completely honest - not necessarily about anything "deep" and "meaningful"... Heck, I wanted to say it was a beautiful day outside and not spend 10hrs analysing in my mind what exactly made it so beautiful. That's the problem, I've been thinking too much. About anything and everything. I'm not at any crazy crossroads, no major issues, no big news... Just "blah!"

I keep feeling like I should be doing more! But more of what? How?

I keep thinking I should have more. Why? Of what?

When I do "more" I wonder of it's enough. I wonder if what I'm  spending more time/energy/prayers on is really worth it. Well, it  probably is... But then I wonder if my time wouldn't be well spent on something else.

I know that every dream is hard work. I know that sometimes our dreams  don't come true but then we recieve even more than we could conceive in our wildest dreams and it turns out just right! I know that, and I've experienced that. Quite a few times too. BUT, I can't help but  

wonder "what next?"

Actually, I guess I am at some kinda crossroads. If you ask what exactly I'll be doing in a year, I can't honestly give you an answer. If you asked me 4 years ago what I'd probably be doing in 2011, I'd have had quite a few answers ready. But the older I get, the more I realize that plans (far out plans) just give you something to color out on your calendar, but hardly ever go as you expect.

So there it is- my cluttered mind. Some days I sit and plan and plan... And I work myself up and get so eager for the next day, the next month, the next year. BUT a flaw I recently realized is that when things don't go quite as I expect, I tend to bundle up my plans and  stash 'em... Telling myself "ah, well... It'll happen whenever... And it'll work out for your good." Some might see this as me having blind faith ( and I had convinced myself that's exactly what it was- faith) but honestly it really balls down to lack of enthusiasm and me just  

looking, and waiting. That way, when something great happens, I'm surprised and grateful while everyone tells me "of course you had nothing to worry about... We always had faith in you" and I smile, and lie that I was never really worried in the first place.

I smile. I smile a lot. I don't believe in worrying others when deep down I know there's nothing Major to worry about (I'm alive, in good health, with a fabulous family and the love of God....that's more than many people can say)  I sometimes even sleep with a smile. I'm not sure I ever mastered the art of frowning. Some mistake this smile for an always cheerful demeanor - I don't mind. I'd rather they smile with me than hold vigil in worry. Lol

This is my blog. My online "journal" that hardly ever gets personal and really just mirrors my random musings. But every once in a while, it's the place I come for a hug (well, writing things out usually gives me the fuzzies of a hug)

In other news - the sun is Finally out in SC! For this reason, I am truly thankful. I love sunny days :-)

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via avenuemaria

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via JustTryAgain

Thinking out loud...

"...when it seems mundane, it usually means you're at a comfortable place.Enjoy it!"

Research: 

I was at a networking event a few weeks ago and I remember speaking with another Grad student about his research, and he was complaining about the fact that he just sits at his computer, changes one or two numbers, and waits for a simulation run to be completed. I laughed and told him - at least that means you've got things finally working. When your research seems mundane, it usually means you're at a comfortable place where you barely need to change anything to achieve usable results. At this time, my research had gotten mundane... I was at that comfortable place I spoke about; running many simulations, barely needing to change a thing.

....and that's when it happened!

A certain simulation run showed some very interestingly random results that I now have no choice but to set up an entirely new problem to evaluate those results - crapdammit! This may end up being fantastic for my research in the future but it's just friggin frustrating at the moment! *sigh

Life:

I found that the seemingly boring times in life (those I've experienced thus far) have typically occurred at times where I wasn't terribly busy and things were smooth-sailing to the point where they seemed  nauseating at times. I'm initially enjoying the nothingness of it all, 'til a point where I feel I need to shake things up. Other times, I haven't had the chance to choose the "shake" and things just happened naturally to shake the order of things - forcing me to reevaluate situations/people.

We all love when we get to choose the direction in which things go, or when things change naturally BUT we immediately see the benefit of the change. However, I'm yet to find someone who gets super excited when their world gets shaken up and they have NO idea what direction things are going in... and all they can do is look forward, push further, and pray for the best. Yes, there are all those motivational speeches that tell you that you're the author of your destiny and "insert other shit ideas here..." but we all know this isn't entirely true.   Tell that ish to the people that lost their homes/jobs/lives in Haiti or Jos. Whaddyasaaynowww??

I miss my glasses!!

I misplaced my glasses at the mall sometime in December and I've been wearing contacts ever since. I'm skeptical about getting a new pair 'cause the ones I misplaced were barely 2 months old... and they were replacing the other 2 pairs I'd lost since Jan '09.. so yea, I can't be trusted with glasses. But it sucks poking my eyes every morning... :-( While working, I had enjoyed taking off my glasses and chewing on the end of the frames (yes, i know... disgusting habit), it helped me think! I actually briefly considered buying a cheap pair of non-prescription frames to wear with my contacts... just for the heck of it. Plus, I actually like the nerdy glasses look... hehe!

OK fine, i just felt like nagging briefly. I really should get back to work now (the story of my life).

Have blessed week guys!

*fist pump in the air!*

feeling kinda super right now!!! just got some good news...dorky and probably won't mean much to anyone else... but i'm hellla tickled right about now!

March is looking like it's gonna be a good month after all! Thank you Jesus!! :D

i.hate.winter!

I've lived in Texas...lived in Nigeria... and I never really had much cause to complain about the sun. I quite like it. I like that I don't need to wear multiple layers of clothing, or worry about checking the weather forecast for snow/sleet days. I miss summer with all my heart and can't wait for it to come back! 

music eargasms!

THIS ALBUM is aalllll kinds of YUMMY! Ugh... Maxwell is such a musical genius! I'm scared that if I were ever to meet him - especially during a performance/studio session - I'd literally turn to dog/bitch mode and start salivating with my tongue out and doing the leg bump. Lol! OK, maybe not that bad but you get my meaning! Hot damn! Having one of those days where I'm just chilling, sipping some wine, listening to Maxwell albums shuffled up on the ipod. From the beautiful instrumentals that are carefully selected and fused together, to the voice range, to the lyrics of the songs, one can't help but wonder what the hell goes through dude's mind on a regular day.  *Sigh*


that's the video for "Bad Habits." Damn, i'm hating on Kerry Washington right about now. Can't wait for the video for "fistful of tears"... that song is the TRUTH!

Ok, going back to my corner now. Good thing i'm Christian.

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Meredith said that to Derek in an episode of grey's anatomy - one of the very early episodes. Surprisingly it kinda stuck with me 'cause I had a really girly "aaaawwwww" moment when I heard that. She laid all her cards down right there, no lies, no fronts - just asked to be the chosen one. And at that time, it got me thinking - how many times do we humans let opportunities pass us by because of pride or well, adhering to the "proper" order of doing things? Lol! I just remembered that today and since i share my random thoughts here, i figured why not put it up on the blog?!

have a great weekend people!

xoxo :-)

...i'm on a horse

this Ad made me laugh seriously the first time I saw it! Everytime I see it, it makes my heart smile... freaking hi-lariousss!!!

*then there's the other ending where he's riding the horse backwards. Sigh... LOVEESSS IT!!

Heartless *cover*

just heard this version of Kanye's song "Heartless", done by The Frays... and I must say I quite like what they did with it... and the video was very well done!! I still absolutely LOVE 808s & Heartbreak album though... I wonder what Kanye's cooking up next.. hmm!

Enjoy!

6!!!

To my best friend: Without you, the last 6 years would have sucked majorly! You've been my biggest supporter in all the challenges I've faced through the years and you somehow always see beauty even when I think i'm a mess. I love you and appreciate you! Happy Anniversary!!!

All things bright and beautiful...

...all creatures great and small!

Thank you Lord for making all things brand new!

dooo daaa diii....

Lord help me! I'm feeling rather discouraged right now. I've barely slept or picked up calls in the past 2/3 days because of my research. Each time I think i'm just about done... each time i think i've fixed the glitch, Something pops up! I hate programming and I mostly hate the fact that the simplest errors could give you really crappy results. Even when I try to ignore the work and go to bed early or nap, I end up dreaming about my work. I wake up feeling uneasy and unmotivated. I'm trying hard to stay focused and motivated to fix the glitch but i need something to work... SOMETHING! ANYTHING! I've barely picked up calls the past few days for fear of snapping at someone. Wrong attitude - I know! I've got a job interview early in the morning tomorrow (well, today actually) but I can't sleep 'cause my mind's not at ease.

Psalm for the day: Psalm 23!

Someway, somehow... i'm gonna get this fixed today! I'm going to have a beautiful weekend and make up for my missed workouts for the past 4days. Amen!

Phillipians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength"

"Never do anything you 
cannot live with, 

or walk away from someone you 
cannot live without"

 - Unknown 

food for thought

I guess this is one those things you have to keep reminding yourself at different points in life. Some people are quick to blame, some are quick to praise...but in the end both praise & blame distract us sometimes in life when we take 'em too much to heart. I try to live life in such a way that my intentions are always good - the outcomes, however, can't always be predicted.

Is nothing new anymore?

Ugh!  I was watching a random TV show while having breakfast this morning (and sorta working)... so it really was more background noise than anything.

Okay, so here's some background: Girl A used to work with Boy B in the Army, overseas. Although she was married, she fell in love with Boy B while they were out on assignment. She moved back home, reconnects with husband and tries to get her life back together (Husband has no clue she's cheated). Boy B moves to where Girl A is for work, and professes his love, but she's trying to work on her marriage so she declines. In this time, husband finds out about affair,  marriage can't be repaired.. bla bla... Boy B deals with rejection, eventually meets Girl X and kinda falls for her. Girl A is now single, lonely and wondering what next... has a lightbulb moment and realizes she was always in love with Boy B. She goes over to his home to tell him, but girl X is there and he says he's not interested anymore.

Fast forward: Okay, this is the part that kills me. They steal a scene from "love & basketball." Girl A and Boy B (who are relatively cordial and have to work together) take a break from work one day and decide to play a game of basketball in that time. Then she says they should play for stakes... and when he asks what, she says she'll play him for his heart. That if she wins, they'll get back and bla bla. Obviously, they play and she loses... and then she walks away defeated and comes back half-crying, saying how it's unfair.. yadi yaaa... and then he shuts her up with a kiss.

NOW, I would've found that hella cute if i hadn't already seen that EXACT scene in "love & basketball." UGH! I hate lack of originality!

lol... rant over... back to work i go :p

New Week! New Month! New Attitude?

Happy new month guys!!!!! Gosh, I can't believe it's february already... I'm not quite sure where my January went (If found, please return to "lost & found" desk, thanks!).  It's funny how I always start and end the year feeling overwhelmed. At the beginning of the year, I usually have all these tasks and random goals I set for myself (or well, life sets for me) and I'm filled with enthusiasm, ready to take over the world *cue "Brain" voice...from pinky & the brain*, eager to accomplish so much! By the end of the year, I suddenly remember all the things that are still left hanging, that I was s'posed to have done mooonths before and I start trying to cram 'em into November and December... eventually giving up by New Year's Eve.. making whole new plans for the year to come :-) And as you've guessed it, summertime i'm almost always on a mental holiday - lol... i know that sounds really bad but it's sooooo true!

It takes CRAZY determination for me to get anything done in the Summer. As a student, I'm accustomed to it meaning "time off" ... now as a grown-ass wanna-be student (seeing as PhDs really are s'posed to be forever serious, forever studying, forever questing for knowledge - kinda folk), I probably shouldn't be on these mental summer holidays anymore. Gosh, now I wish I was a trophy wife...but with my personality, I'd probably get sick of it after the first few days/weeks. Lol!... or maybe I'll just start up random charities and make myself think i'm working. My days will be filled with gym & spa appointments, and then champagne and brunch with the girls ... followed by some shopping. Mmmm... doesn't sound so bad now that i think of it.

Okay okay... well, I'm glad it's February... I think it's a special month 'cause it tries to be so different. One month in the year determines whether we have a leap or not. Oh Fun! Other than that, 2010's been decent for me so far. I'm not quite sure what's in store but it's still the beginning of the year and I've still got loads of optimism to share...

that being said... i've had about 2hrs of sleep so far so i gaaattsss to go take a nap... or rest.. or something!

God bless you as you bless others!

'til later...

xoxo ;)

my heart can't take it!!!

Watching a Lakers/Celtics game... and it's been up & down... way too close... i sit here getting high blood pressure while these folks are making their millions. *sigh* ... it sucks being a fan. That being said,  LET'S GO LAKERSSSS!!!!

UPDATE: We woooonnnnnn!!!!!! :D

emotional rollercoaster...

Last week (or well, this past week) I was making fun of a female friend of mine that was a basket full of emotions, for no apparent reason whatsoever. I'd be like "common woman, get a hold of yourself! lol!" and she'd promise to snap out of it... and call the next day making fun of herself for yet another "spasm" and I'd just sigh and shake my head, wondering about my fellow female specie.

Karma's a b#$^ch! Today I've probably experienced every random emotion known to man at different hours of the day. Why? I have no freaking clue. It's been one of those reaaaallly random days for me. It's terribly cold out so I was gonna use that as my excuse to sulk and stay in bed and do absolutely nothing all day. But then, I hate when I'm emotional and I can't place my finger on a particular reason why. I like to think I'm super-strong and reasonably-behaved for the most part... So, I picked myself up, took a shower, got dressed and headed to school to get some work done! Yes, on a Saturday. How's that going so far? blaaah.. dunno... I'll let you know when I do. At least I'm out of my house and attempting to get ish done :-)

Perhaps it's just the winter-blues?

blaah!

Is anybody out there?

lol

ok ok... back to work!

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... but c'est la vie :-\

Golden

"Take me back in the days when loving was pure; 

love ain't going away, love is always secure;

life's not always perfect but love's always forever;

let's let true love connect, let's try lasting together..."

-Golden, Chrisette Michele

Gosh, I love this song so much! I guess i've been listening to the album a lil' too much and it's been randomly singing in my head. The lyrics to this song and "love is you," get to me ALWAYS! I would absolutely love to sing one of these songs with a live band sometime in the near future!!! *music-gasms*

Ok, just wanted to share some good music y'all!

TGIF :-)

writing...

Writing is therapeutic, though I'm not quite sure what part of me needs healing. I started to type... not really sure what I wanted to say, but quite sure that it needed saying. I feel strong and yet I feel broken. At times I'm not sure whether to rejoice or let the tears pour - so I stand strong, and emotion evades me.... not quite sure if it's pride or maturity that has taken precedence.

I don't like the cliche woman that cries at will for any and everything and lives life off her "feelings." I'm quite bothered by that woman. Lol! I believe in feeling but I also believe in logic... and I try to find a way to make the two mesh as often as possible. Of course I'm not made of stone so I occasionally let my heart lead my decisions - sometimes it's quite freeing, and other times it's just damn annoying.

The one thing that is somehow always comforting is Writing... so I write about nothing and everything. Often times it reads as gibberish but I feel so much better when I'm done.

So... I'm done.

Perhaps I'll go write some more of my dissertation - now THAT kinda writing is never really fun 'cause it's necessary and overly structured. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do :p

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And you will find no fear here, in unkind words or the hardness of others.

And you will find no sadness here, in the meanness of the world, in the anger that comes from those who feel small.

And you will find no hurt here, in a million insults or a single, softly spoken lie.

Because only a hard heart shatters.

Only a hard heart, breaks.

{image and words via I wrote this for you}

2010!!!

AWESOMENESSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Okay, so i'm pretty excited to be starting a new year (yes, i realize this post is already quite a few days into the year)!

There's so much hope I have poured into this new year and I pray it turns out a million times better than 2009. There'll be lots of new beginnings, and I pray God sees me (and mine) through each of 'em.

I'm a tad home-sick (as usual) but i'm sure it'll wear off soonest. Lots to be done and little time to get 'er done... sooooo LET'S GO PEOPLE!!!!

I pray this year turns out beautifully for you, and that you leave the year with greater strength, joy and hope than you imagined!

*happy dance*

xoxo