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via icanread

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when you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. it is an impossibility. it is even a lie to pretend to. and yet this is exactly what most of us demand. we have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. we leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. we are afraid it will never return. we insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity – in freedom…

EXCERPTED FROM “THE GIFT FROM THE SEA” BY ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH

via flummoxedbird

Been a while...

It's been a while since I've written anything... I guess it's because I started editing my thoughts everytime I let them spill to a page. I wanted to be able to write and be completely honest - not necessarily about anything "deep" and "meaningful"... Heck, I wanted to say it was a beautiful day outside and not spend 10hrs analysing in my mind what exactly made it so beautiful. That's the problem, I've been thinking too much. About anything and everything. I'm not at any crazy crossroads, no major issues, no big news... Just "blah!"

I keep feeling like I should be doing more! But more of what? How?

I keep thinking I should have more. Why? Of what?

When I do "more" I wonder of it's enough. I wonder if what I'm  spending more time/energy/prayers on is really worth it. Well, it  probably is... But then I wonder if my time wouldn't be well spent on something else.

I know that every dream is hard work. I know that sometimes our dreams  don't come true but then we recieve even more than we could conceive in our wildest dreams and it turns out just right! I know that, and I've experienced that. Quite a few times too. BUT, I can't help but  

wonder "what next?"

Actually, I guess I am at some kinda crossroads. If you ask what exactly I'll be doing in a year, I can't honestly give you an answer. If you asked me 4 years ago what I'd probably be doing in 2011, I'd have had quite a few answers ready. But the older I get, the more I realize that plans (far out plans) just give you something to color out on your calendar, but hardly ever go as you expect.

So there it is- my cluttered mind. Some days I sit and plan and plan... And I work myself up and get so eager for the next day, the next month, the next year. BUT a flaw I recently realized is that when things don't go quite as I expect, I tend to bundle up my plans and  stash 'em... Telling myself "ah, well... It'll happen whenever... And it'll work out for your good." Some might see this as me having blind faith ( and I had convinced myself that's exactly what it was- faith) but honestly it really balls down to lack of enthusiasm and me just  

looking, and waiting. That way, when something great happens, I'm surprised and grateful while everyone tells me "of course you had nothing to worry about... We always had faith in you" and I smile, and lie that I was never really worried in the first place.

I smile. I smile a lot. I don't believe in worrying others when deep down I know there's nothing Major to worry about (I'm alive, in good health, with a fabulous family and the love of God....that's more than many people can say)  I sometimes even sleep with a smile. I'm not sure I ever mastered the art of frowning. Some mistake this smile for an always cheerful demeanor - I don't mind. I'd rather they smile with me than hold vigil in worry. Lol

This is my blog. My online "journal" that hardly ever gets personal and really just mirrors my random musings. But every once in a while, it's the place I come for a hug (well, writing things out usually gives me the fuzzies of a hug)

In other news - the sun is Finally out in SC! For this reason, I am truly thankful. I love sunny days :-)

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via avenuemaria

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via JustTryAgain

Thinking out loud...

"...when it seems mundane, it usually means you're at a comfortable place.Enjoy it!"

Research: 

I was at a networking event a few weeks ago and I remember speaking with another Grad student about his research, and he was complaining about the fact that he just sits at his computer, changes one or two numbers, and waits for a simulation run to be completed. I laughed and told him - at least that means you've got things finally working. When your research seems mundane, it usually means you're at a comfortable place where you barely need to change anything to achieve usable results. At this time, my research had gotten mundane... I was at that comfortable place I spoke about; running many simulations, barely needing to change a thing.

....and that's when it happened!

A certain simulation run showed some very interestingly random results that I now have no choice but to set up an entirely new problem to evaluate those results - crapdammit! This may end up being fantastic for my research in the future but it's just friggin frustrating at the moment! *sigh

Life:

I found that the seemingly boring times in life (those I've experienced thus far) have typically occurred at times where I wasn't terribly busy and things were smooth-sailing to the point where they seemed  nauseating at times. I'm initially enjoying the nothingness of it all, 'til a point where I feel I need to shake things up. Other times, I haven't had the chance to choose the "shake" and things just happened naturally to shake the order of things - forcing me to reevaluate situations/people.

We all love when we get to choose the direction in which things go, or when things change naturally BUT we immediately see the benefit of the change. However, I'm yet to find someone who gets super excited when their world gets shaken up and they have NO idea what direction things are going in... and all they can do is look forward, push further, and pray for the best. Yes, there are all those motivational speeches that tell you that you're the author of your destiny and "insert other shit ideas here..." but we all know this isn't entirely true.   Tell that ish to the people that lost their homes/jobs/lives in Haiti or Jos. Whaddyasaaynowww??

I miss my glasses!!

I misplaced my glasses at the mall sometime in December and I've been wearing contacts ever since. I'm skeptical about getting a new pair 'cause the ones I misplaced were barely 2 months old... and they were replacing the other 2 pairs I'd lost since Jan '09.. so yea, I can't be trusted with glasses. But it sucks poking my eyes every morning... :-( While working, I had enjoyed taking off my glasses and chewing on the end of the frames (yes, i know... disgusting habit), it helped me think! I actually briefly considered buying a cheap pair of non-prescription frames to wear with my contacts... just for the heck of it. Plus, I actually like the nerdy glasses look... hehe!

OK fine, i just felt like nagging briefly. I really should get back to work now (the story of my life).

Have blessed week guys!

*fist pump in the air!*

feeling kinda super right now!!! just got some good news...dorky and probably won't mean much to anyone else... but i'm hellla tickled right about now!

March is looking like it's gonna be a good month after all! Thank you Jesus!! :D

i.hate.winter!

I've lived in Texas...lived in Nigeria... and I never really had much cause to complain about the sun. I quite like it. I like that I don't need to wear multiple layers of clothing, or worry about checking the weather forecast for snow/sleet days. I miss summer with all my heart and can't wait for it to come back!